Thinking.....

When I had a massage on Sunday I nearly fell off the table as the lady that was massaging me commented that she could help me with my muscles but not with my broken heart…. I had not mentioned to her about anything but it freaked me out… She mentioned she had a lady from America that could help me via hypnosis, she then asked me if I want to let go, I told her I have no option but to move on, her response was you have to want to… This makes me wonder… With everything that has happened why do I still not want to let go…. I’m worth more than to feel like this, I’m not a bad person and deserve to be loved in the same way I love. Maybe it’s a rejection thing to be rejected by someone you would give the world 2 and not get anything in return is sole crushing. The problem is I don’t want to be loved, wanted or needed by anyone else… That’s where self preservation should be kicking in to want more for myself and knowing that there are people out there wanting to give me this makes me angry that I don’t want it, and if I hear one more person say you need more time, I’m going to scream!!! If I could turn my brain off from going over the same shit every day I would.

Leg training went well last night, I thought they would be sorer today than they are but still nice to know I trained… Chest and Bi’s tonight.
I jumped on the scales Monday and it was scary…. I hate scales…. Instead of spurring myself on to loose weight it makes me sad and all I want to do is eat, cause it makes me happy… Mixed up chicki….