Monday, February 16, 2009

Computer Finally!!!!!


I finally went and got a computer for home, now I have no life the net is going to become my new best friend.... I had a bad day yesterday, had a shrink appointment and her diagnosis for me was not good!!! I then felt so bad after paying the bill of $270.00 that I went on a shopping splurge and bought an Apple Mac..... As they say once you go Mac you wont go back!!!

I had 4 days of illness last week, an infected saliva gland!!!( WHO GETS THAT SHIT, no one, you would think you would have to be sucking face or something else with someone to get that ohh no not me!!!!.....) Nice, my face blew up like a blow fish and I couldn't eat for 4 days.... Any normal person would have lost weight, but ohh no not me again!!!

So my little black hole is still lurking around, I wish I could crawl out of it and be the girl I know is hiding somewhere...

People have talked to me about depression before in varying levels, and I couldn't understand how they felt.... I have always been such a positive person, people use to come to me for advice... Now I know how those people felt, there is a part of you that knows that the old you is in there somewhere, and it's so frustrating that day after day you still feel the same inside... Dead..

Competing in April is going on hold for now, maybe All Female Classics will be new goal... Get ME better first. My doc said the way I'm feeling will also not help with loosing those dreaded kg's I have let myself put on... So a happy me will also let my body become the old me....

I have come to the conclusion as to why I feel like I do... It stems from childhood and the rejection from my mother and the lack of interest in my life from my father, I don't blame my husband as I am happy that he is now getting from his girlfriend what I couldn't give him, but on the other hand the love, support, encouragement, friendship, the caring, the need I had to make him proud, the fun and companionship I got from Chris is what I have always longed for growing up and it's the first time in my whole life I have holey and soley loved and felt loved and needed by someone... Without that I'm lost. The fact that at the end of the day he didn't feel the same way in return, this is a rejection issue that has been re lived from growing up... I haven't dealt well with this issue, and have let myself fall in a hole and cant remember how to get out... I have great supportive friends, but at the end of the day, it comes down to me, my attitude towards things and the choice to think positively... I look at all those poor people who have lost everything in the Vic fires and also all the other horrible things that go on in the world, I know I have a great life, nice car, a nice house, a job, money in the bank my health and so on and so on.... It's not that I don't appreciate all of this it's just that I've lost my way a little.......

I'm still training cutting back weight training to 3 time a week and cardio is still at 6 times a week, I have to start enjoying things again and not have them feel like a chore.... The less pressure I put on myself at this point the better, I usually thrive on pressure but at the moment, baby steps to a healthier me....


I hope everyone is well and as I will have full Internet access at home next week these blogs will hopefully become more regular....


My new e-mail once it is set up is.... ukbeck@bigpond .com.au


6 comments:

Lia Halsall said...

Welcome back to the land of the living on the internet that is Ursula. LOL!! I'm glad you're back and blogging.

Time is the only thing that will help you not that that helps. When Mum & Dad passed last year three months apart time was my enemy and it never felt as if I was going to survive the grief but slowly it does little by little. The emotions we face are always there but how we cope with them improves and that's all we can focus on. I took things day by day so you take all the time you need to heal. This is your life and you're the only one living it.

We're here if you need us. ;o)

Lia xxx

Ursula Beck said...

Thank you so much Lia, your a beautiful person... xx

RaeC said...

Oooh... I am about to become a Mac girl too... when I finally make up my mind which one to get!!

On a more serious note, I hope you get back to you soon. I too know what it is like to go through loss and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel soon... we promise!

In the meantime take all the time out you need, get all the cuddles and companionship from your friends you can and surrender yourself to the healing process xxx

Charlotte Orr said...

Hi Ursula, I was just thinking about you today. Hope things start coming together for you soon.

Tara said...

Hey Spunky girl, while I have never felt what you are feeling, I do sympathise and hope that you find your way out of that gloomy place soon. Good to see that you are still being consistent with your training :o) Hang in there my dear, it will get better.

Tara xxx

Trudi said...

Good to have you back online Ursula. I'm sure there are lots of us 'your blog family' that care very much about you. Find anything in your day, however insignificant you many think it may be, to find amusing. One positive thought leads to another, and sometimes thats all we have. Hugs Trudsx