Computer Finally!!!!!

I finally went and got a computer for home, now I have no life the net is going to become my new best friend.... I had a bad day yesterday, had a shrink appointment and her diagnosis for me was not good!!! I then felt so bad after paying the bill of $270.00 that I went on a shopping splurge and bought an Apple Mac..... As they say once you go Mac you wont go back!!!

I had 4 days of illness last week, an infected saliva gland!!!( WHO GETS THAT SHIT, no one, you would think you would have to be sucking face or something else with someone to get that ohh no not me!!!!.....) Nice, my face blew up like a blow fish and I couldn't eat for 4 days.... Any normal person would have lost weight, but ohh no not me again!!!

So my little black hole is still lurking around, I wish I could crawl out of it and be the girl I know is hiding somewhere...

People have talked to me about depression before in varying levels, and I couldn't understand how they felt.... I have always been such a positive person, people use to come to me for advice... Now I know how those people felt, there is a part of you that knows that the old you is in there somewhere, and it's so frustrating that day after day you still feel the same inside... Dead..

Competing in April is going on hold for now, maybe All Female Classics will be new goal... Get ME better first. My doc said the way I'm feeling will also not help with loosing those dreaded kg's I have let myself put on... So a happy me will also let my body become the old me....

I have come to the conclusion as to why I feel like I do... It stems from childhood and the rejection from my mother and the lack of interest in my life from my father, I don't blame my husband as I am happy that he is now getting from his girlfriend what I couldn't give him, but on the other hand the love, support, encouragement, friendship, the caring, the need I had to make him proud, the fun and companionship I got from Chris is what I have always longed for growing up and it's the first time in my whole life I have holey and soley loved and felt loved and needed by someone... Without that I'm lost. The fact that at the end of the day he didn't feel the same way in return, this is a rejection issue that has been re lived from growing up... I haven't dealt well with this issue, and have let myself fall in a hole and cant remember how to get out... I have great supportive friends, but at the end of the day, it comes down to me, my attitude towards things and the choice to think positively... I look at all those poor people who have lost everything in the Vic fires and also all the other horrible things that go on in the world, I know I have a great life, nice car, a nice house, a job, money in the bank my health and so on and so on.... It's not that I don't appreciate all of this it's just that I've lost my way a little.......

I'm still training cutting back weight training to 3 time a week and cardio is still at 6 times a week, I have to start enjoying things again and not have them feel like a chore.... The less pressure I put on myself at this point the better, I usually thrive on pressure but at the moment, baby steps to a healthier me....

I hope everyone is well and as I will have full Internet access at home next week these blogs will hopefully become more regular....

My new e-mail once it is set up is.... ukbeck@bigpond .com.au

Another Day Down

59 days to go till I jump on stage!!! Holey shit, so much to do, where do I start... Picking a song.... mmmm well I've never been good at this my husband always chose my songs, I'll have to put the skates on and have a listen to a few that I like, I was thinking of doing one to just music no singing.... We'll see, I'm going to get one more use out of my last bikini as I loved it so much then get a new one for the Aussie and Olympia, that's if I qualify!!!!
Work suck ass at the moment, I bloody hate it... No news on the job I applied for but I'm still pushing to get a position with the new gym opening in May...
Last weekend I had my best friends hen's night, and this weekend is her wedding so I'm looking forward to that, I'm not going to be able to eat or drink so I'll just have to make sure my exceptional personality is switched on to make the most of the party without food or alcohol!!!!
Last weekend Alastair came down to visit, we had a lovely time together it was only a quick trip he went home on Monday morning. We went for a nice drive and had a BBQ with some friends... Diet is going amazingly well at the moment, and so is training, finally I'm in the zone... I have to be, no time to slack off or be eating bad food... It will be an interesting journey to say the least....

Train hard xx

Countdown Time

As you can see I have added a countdown widget... So games on.... 8 weeks of pure hell for me!!!

Diet is going well but the scales don't like to budge, for me it takes weeks to start dropping the kg's but when it does it happens quickly...

I'm doing an hour of cardio and an hour of weights 6 days a week ATM, and watching what goes in the mouth very carefully. I'm getting a diet sent through to me very soon by my good friend Mr Alastair White... as he is kind enough to be helping me with my prep I have to pull out all stops to make him look good, that's him in the picture so no need to make him look much better but all the same must make him proud!!! He He

Anyway take care and train hard

xx

Scale report.....

One of my favourite pics for you....

We learn something new everyday; it’s funny what people say to you on the phone… I work at Westpac in a call centre and a guy just called from Fyshwick ACT, and he felt it necessary to tell me it was the Porn Capital of Australia…. I’m not sure what this has to do with Banking but as they say it takes all sorts!!!! 2 funny and hello to anyone that lives there……

Training going well, first scale report and not liking it at all but it had to be done, 65.3kg….. As of today..
I’ve eaten 100% clean for 4 days now I know this doesn’t sound long but I think it’s the hardest part… Once you start and feel better for it and you can see the results it makes it easier to keep going.

I have someone helping me with my prep this year, this will be a nice change as I have always done everything by myself, to have someone with a world of knowledge to help me will be great…. 100% dedication is my attitude, I want this person helping me to know how much I appreciate his help so will give it my all…. Thanks Boss, if you’re reading this!!!

Not a lot else happening in the world of Ursula, I have applied for a new job so waiting to hear back from that, a total change from banking witch will be nice and I also have found somewhere to live.. So this will be good to have a little more stability in my life.. I still everyday miss my old life, my husband, house, dog, cat, work and gym but things change and I have to learn to adapt better to change than I have been of late.

I hear a whisper that there is a new gym opening in Launceston, woop woop and it’s gunna shit ova all the gyms we currently have here at the moment… So that’s a bit exciting, but also a long way off opening…..

Take care train hard, eat well

xx

The Power Of Positive People

No matter how bad things can get, or seem to get the power of positive people around you is amazing, I got a text today from someone very special to me and I reflected what the message read and it really lifted my self esteem... Self esteem comes from within but when you feel like you've lost it, to have someone re in force things you should know about yourself and believe in yourself, makes you feel nice inside....

I have had a great training week the diet has been off track still, but next week the big overhaul starts... The scales are going to become my best friend....

I'm unsure of what comps to set myself for... I have had an offer to be apart of a T.V show that follows 12 bodybuilders over 18 weeks of comp prep.... But to be able to be a part of this I will have to compete in the Brisbane Title in May, this is a realistic goal for me to be able to achieve and be at my best if I put my head down and bum up now....

I also have a friend travelling o-seas in June and I would love to go with him but little steps and little goals for now will be nice, one day at a time.....

Weekend time again, make up trial for my besti's wedding tonight and a walk with friends... Tomorrow gym and lunch with the girls, Sat night girls night BBQ and Sunday gym and cooking meals for the next 2 weeks....

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend......

I'm going to pick up my hire car in a minute, bout bloody time my insurance pulled their finger out and organised me one....

Take care all.......

xx

Thinking.....

When I had a massage on Sunday I nearly fell off the table as the lady that was massaging me commented that she could help me with my muscles but not with my broken heart…. I had not mentioned to her about anything but it freaked me out… She mentioned she had a lady from America that could help me via hypnosis, she then asked me if I want to let go, I told her I have no option but to move on, her response was you have to want to… This makes me wonder… With everything that has happened why do I still not want to let go…. I’m worth more than to feel like this, I’m not a bad person and deserve to be loved in the same way I love. Maybe it’s a rejection thing to be rejected by someone you would give the world 2 and not get anything in return is sole crushing. The problem is I don’t want to be loved, wanted or needed by anyone else… That’s where self preservation should be kicking in to want more for myself and knowing that there are people out there wanting to give me this makes me angry that I don’t want it, and if I hear one more person say you need more time, I’m going to scream!!! If I could turn my brain off from going over the same shit every day I would.

Leg training went well last night, I thought they would be sorer today than they are but still nice to know I trained… Chest and Bi’s tonight.
I jumped on the scales Monday and it was scary…. I hate scales…. Instead of spurring myself on to loose weight it makes me sad and all I want to do is eat, cause it makes me happy… Mixed up chicki….

Weekend....

I ended up having a bad day Friday, I couldn’t go to work I didn’t talk to anyone and didn’t want to see anyone, lets hope these kind of days go away very soon.
On a brighter note the rest of the weekend was much nicer. I had a great weekend, trained Saturday back and tri’s, went to Hobart with Glenn, stayed at the Grand Chancellor and enjoyed a lovely meal at Hogs Breath Café, if you have ever been there and had one of their famous Rocky Road ice cream’s for dessert… you know just how much I ate, (Thanks Glenn, LOL) then I had no room left for the champagne and chocolate coated strawberries back in the room, but I tried my best and it was beautiful!!!!
We enjoyed a massage Sunday morning then had some breakfast before heading back home, went out for a meal for a friends birthday lastnight… So the weekend was spent in great company but with lots of bad food…. Back into good eating and training today… Staying at a GF house tonight to go over my best friends hen’s night, not sure what were organising for her but it has to be fun, she’s deserves the best night ever, she has been there for me in the last 7 months more than anyone and I can’t return the favour for her but the least I can do is make sure she has the best hen’s night and wedding. So if anyone has any suggestions for hen’s party games let me know… Leg training tonight and some cardio, so I’m guessing the legs will be sore again for almost a week!~!!!


Hope everyone had a great weekend….